Warning- Rape of a minor (reader discretion advised)

AAYAT’S POV

The blinding lights of this room give me a headache. I woke up groggy, straight out of a nightmare. In it, I survived. I survived and Akeeb found me. He found me so he could ruin my life again.

And reality wasn't that different.

I woke up. I survived. My only consolation is that Akeeb isn't here. "How do you feel?" I startle. Harry is sitting on the couch in the corner of my private room. He is nursing a cup of tea in his hand, drinking from it like a poised aristocrat before putting it away and raising a brow at me.

I nod in answer. Telling him I feel fine. The wound doesn't hurt so it isn't a lie. What hurts is my heart and my soul. The soul that is crushed beyond measure.

"I never told you, but I despise lies." He says.

"I'm not lying."

"Inayat." He doesn't reprimand me, he simply seems disappointed. A tear I didn't realise was stuck in my eye falls. It trails down the side of my face, ending its journey on the pillow under my head. I don't know what breaks, but I'm assuming it's my heart that loves him so much.

"I'm sorry." I try to hold in my cries my as the tears fall, the sobs come out too. He gets up from the couch and sits on the stool beside the bed before holding the hand that I cut. He stays mindful of the wound, not touching my wrist at all but his fingers intertwine with mine.

"What did I do?" He asks in a voice so broken, so scared that I fear I've harmed him more than I would've harmed myself. "Nothing." I say.

"Then why did you do it? You were fine until yesterday. We were laughing, enjoying, humming. What changed so quick? Why would you pick dying over staying with me and talking things out? What's happened that just cannot be fixed, Aayat?"

"I'm sorry." I whisper again and again like a broken record. "I don't want to lose you." He says. His grip on my hand tightens.

I don't know why I did what I did. I was so deep in a trance of self loathing that I completely lost control. "I didn't want to die." I whisper. He looks at me with questioning eyes and I don't know how to answer them.

"Don't." He says. "Don't hide from me Aayat. Don't you think we're past hiding things from each other?" We should be. Ananya told me about Joëlle and Harry's story and my husband added to it and told me everything else.

If he can tell me a story as crazy as the one that happened in Palacia, maybe I can tell him the truth too. He deserves that much. "I wasn't trying to kill myself. I just.." I hesitate but the pain in his eyes pushes me to speak. I can't let him believe he pushed me to suicide. "I like the sight of blood. It calms something in me."

He blinks. He must think I'm a psychopath.

My blood made the monster happy. He claimed it gave him power, so I dreamt of draining his. I wanted him to bleed to death, slowly and in pain. But I wasn't strong enough. So I bled. I fulfilled my cravings with my own blood.

It wasn't as satisfying but with time it became a fix. And I became addicted. "Blood?" He questions. "Blood calms you?" I nod. He gives me a disbelieving laugh. "I guess we aren't that different wife." I remember then how I found him. Covered in blood, looming over Joëlle's grave.

"Tell me the truth Aayat. Please tell me the truth."

"It's not pretty." I say. He smiles. A sad and tearful smile. "Truth rarely ever is."

~~~~~~

12 years old

"Inu! Stop running around and go give this food to Akeeb. He has been studying really heard these days." I give a mock huff before taking the plate from my mother. I know why she gives me these tasks, it's convenient. What she doesn't know is that I have a crush on him. I love him.

And how can I not? He is older, taller, so smart and so pretty. His eighteenth birthday was a couple months ago and if anything, he has only grown prettier. He is always so caring towards me. Like a brother, some say.

I hate it. I don't want him like a brother. I'll marry him when I'm grown up. And I'll love him the most then! My mother says I shouldn't think about boys, that I'm too young but she also thinks I'm just naive. I'm not. I know what I want. And I'm determined to have it.

I push open the door and Akeeb jumps before shutting his laptop harshly. "Food." I show him the plate and keep it on the table. He nods and thanks me. "What are you doing?" I ask. Lingering a little longer so I can spend more time with him. Over the years he has started drifting more and more away. I don't like it.

"Nothing. I was just looking at something." Hmm. I heard my father ask him if he found a girlfriend. It leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. "That wasn't your girlfriend, was it?" I ask. He gives me a puzzled look before raising a brow. "Why? You don't want me to have one?"

"No." I say, acting like I'm only half interested. "You should focus on other things." It's like a bulb lights up somewhere and he gives me a knowing smirk. "Like what?" I shrug and almost turn to leave when he holds my hand and pulls me closer.

"Does little Inu have feelings for me?" I can't help it, I blush. That seems to be answer enough as he laughs. The laugh offends me. "Stop laughing. Wait and watch. I will marry you when I'm older."

I turn around and run out to the sound of his laugh. He won't laugh when I get what I want. And I will get what I want.

~~

I got into bed at nine. Way too early for me but I wasn't feeling extremely happy after Akeeb laughed at my feelings. I wonder if all crushes act like this. If they all belittle you. Make fun of you.

I've been in bed for the last three hours. Everyone else is asleep but I'm still awake, twisting in my bed sheets, feeling humiliated. The door opens and a shadow is all I see until the man is completely inside and I can make him out.

I sit up. "Akeeb?"

"Shh." He presses a finger to his mouth and comes to sit on the bed in front of me. "Were you crying?" He asks. My room is still dark, no light being turned on. I'm not sure how he assumed that. "No." I say stubbornly.

Akeeb has been sneaking into my room and me into his for years. We watch movies together at night and eat junk. Sometimes he makes my hair too. But these nights have been rare since last couple months.

His hand comes up to wipe my cheek. He catches on a tear that I shed in my ultimate humiliation and sighs. "I'm sorry Inu. I didn't want to hurt you." I sniff. "It's fine." I say. He hums. "Maybe I can make it up to you?" He asks. "How?" I question.

"By loving you back." The room may still be dark but hundreds of lights flicker on in my life. The boy I love says he loves me back!! I jump out from under the duvet and hug him. He laughs as he hugs me back.

"You love me?" I ask with so much joy that I'm beaming from ear to ear. He laughs. "Of course I do." I pull away and just as I do, he kisses me. I jump away, unsure of what this was. I've seen this in movies but they are all big people.

"What's wrong?" He asks. I shake my head. "We shouldn't do this. This is for adults." He pushes hair off of my face. "I am an adult Inu. And this is how we show love. You want me to show love, don't you?"

I don't respond. I'm confused. "I'll ask ammi and then we-"

"Don't tell them." He says. "Don't tell anyone. If you do they will send me away and everything will be ruined. This is our secret, okay?" I nod. I don't want him to go away, I just-

He kisses me again and this time I don't push him. I just freeze. I turn into a block of ice hoping this would end soon but it doesn't. It escalates. Akeeb pushes me back so I'm lying down on my bed while still kissing me.

I push at his shoulder when his hand starts to travel between my things. I don't like that place. It's a mystery to me still and I don't think he should put his hand there. I push at his shoulders harder and he pulls away but presses a hand to my mouth. "Shh. This is how adults show love Inu. And you love me, don't you?"

No voice comes out because his hand keeps pressing onto my mouth. "Stuf!" My sounds are muffled but I try my best. I push at his chest, beat his shoulders but I am no match for a man as tall and strong as him.

I don't like this. I don't like this at all. When he pushes a finger inside of me, the foreign feeling hurts. I try to scream but no one hears. He keeps shushing me, telling me I'm doing so good and before I know, I've gone slack. My eyes see everything but I don't move.

I feel my soul has jumped out of my body and I'm watching from the side as the boy I once loved gets rid of all his clothes and mine before getting on top of me. What tears me out of the hollow darkness is the pain. My body seems to be splitting in half and his palm nearly crushes my scull at how hard he presses it over my mouth.

Akeeb shows me the blood on my white sheets. Says he loves looking at it. Says it tells him that I love him too. I'm not sure I do anymore. Love shouldn't hurt like this.

It shouldn't.

~~

16 year old

He grabs my hand harshly and shoves me against the wall of my bedroom. He locks the door and stands a couple steps away. I face the wall, just as he wants me to do. I don't turn. Not seeing his face makes it easier.

"Why are you wearing this? I told you I like you in only white. It makes you look innocent." Am I innocent? I dream of murdering him. It's all I have. Dreams. Does that still mean I'm innocent?

I wore red today because ammi gave it to me. She says I don't talk or listen to her anymore but she would appreciate if I still wore something she likes. I don't talk to her because I don't know how to.

Akeeb told me that telling my parents the truth would make them hate me. They would think I'm a whore and throw me out. I have nowhere else to go so I stay quiet. But I don't like them touching me. I don't like anyone touching me.

Every touch makes me believe there are spiders crawling up my skin. Every touch brings in panic and makes me lash out. My parents stopped touching me but Akeeb doesn't stop. He says his touch will fix me. He says his love will fix me.

I hate love. I hate him. I hate myself for ever telling him that I love him. He makes my skin hurt. The bruises he leaves are hard to hide and the pain is unbearable every time.

He was surprised when I bled the second time and the third and fourth and so on. But I'm not. I'm not surprised. It hurts each time and I know I bleed each time because my body rejects him. It hates him the same as my soul.

If I ever grow a spine, I'll slit his throat. I'll slit his throat and I'll watch him bleed. And I'll dance. I will enjoy the sight of his blood and I'll dance in it. I'll step into the pool and I'll let my feet roam over his blood. That's all he deserves. I'll stomp over him. One day. One fine day.

He tears my dress from behind until it's nothing but shreds at my feet. The zipper opens and he steps closer. I brace myself. It's always the same. When he touches me, I panic. But soon the pain follows and I forget all panic. The pain is worse. So much worse.

"Don't do it." I say robotically. I say it each time. He never listens but I owe it to myself to try. Hoping that one day when I say stop, it would mean something.

This time however, it doesn't. He doesn't listen. One hand grabs my hair and the other squeezes my hips. The pain from when he enters returns and I scream. Or I try to. Like every other time, Akeeb shoves my shredded dress into my mouth and shuts me up so he can do as he pleases.

And it pleases him to break me.

~~~~~~

Present

I don't bother to wipe the tears. There is no reason to hide. I liked the wrong boy and I paid for it. In some twisted way, I'm still paying for it. "It continued until I escaped him and found you." I tell Harry.

"When he proposed he said I can't say no. He said he has ruined me for everyone else and I believed him. I believed I was ruined but I still had a conscience. So I ran away.

I might've found you covered in blood in a graveyard Harry but nothing is scarier than the monster I grew up with. Nothing is worse.

I wish I could go back in time and tell my twelve year old self to keep her mouth shut. I know it wouldn't change anything. I studied people like him. He would've found a way to exploit me even if I didn't tell him I liked him but at least that wouldn't have been on me.

It wouldn't have been my fault!" I break down into a sob just as Harry wraps his arms around me and pulls me into his chest. He holds me so tight, there isn't space for air, or doubts.

"It wasn't your fault." His voice is heavy with pain but also rage. "Do you hear me Aayat? It wasn't your fucking fault. You were a child and he, he was a grown man. His actions are his responsibility. He needed to know that you are just a kid who doesn't know right from wrong.

What you told him should've made him push you away and tell you that it's wrong but he took advantage of you. Whatever happened is his fault, my love not yours. It will never be your fault."

I sob harder into his shoulder. "I dreamt of killing him. I still dream of it sometimes." I admit. "In my dreams I watch as he bleeds to death. He is still alive when he watches me truly smile and enjoy the blood he tried to make me love. Only this time the blood is his.

I cut myself because I want to see blood pour out. I can't reach him Harry, so I settle with mine. But when I see my own blood I dream that one day it will be his and I'll live in peace then." He rubs my back, not judging me one bit but actually lending me a hand of support.

"If it's his blood that you want baby, I'll get it for you."

I pull away from his strong hold and frown. "You're done hiding Aayat. I'll show him where we are and when he comes running, I'm going to make sure he slowly bleeds while you laugh. That's a promise."

~~~~~~